The extremely un-Tyler Durden like (meaning: dull and uncreative) title of the entry is “Something FRANK Should Like (But Probably Won’t)” and it is written by MOGpac member James Hambrick, whom you known as Lurch. This is in regards to my supposed lack (read: having good taste) of appreciation/interest in the Last Days Of Disco’s favourite band, The Hold Steady, of whom I vehemently oppose the very existence of for several reasons (beyond the fact that they love them THAT much and someone has to bust balls). Let me explain why:
1. They are American. (I have allowed myself to love only ONE American musician, and that is Greg Dulli).
2. They are old and unattractive. Call me gay, but I want to love my bands on a homoerotic level. My friends like them because they dress worse than anyone we know. I could deal with the old if they knew how to dress. I could deal with the dress if they were young. I could deal with both if the music was good.
3. They have beer cozies. PLEASE. I feel you posted that almost to incite me to violence (You DID, fucker!)
4. I don’t believe that Dan Hamill himself actually wrote the quote "terrific storytellers with a keen sense of humor whose favorite topics include the misfits and the marginalized of their respective environments." Simply because he has no idea what words like “marginalized” or “respective” mean, unless the Kidd was helping him write this, but then that doesn’t explain the use of the word “keen”.
5. They are a band designed to appeal to mid thirties men who live in Queens with younger roommates who play online games screaming “MELEE ATTACK BONUS!! TROLL TROLL!” in their headset at all hours and then claim to have a girlfriend “In New Jersey”.
6. While typing this, I again tried to listen to the HOLD STEADY, I, in fact, listened to two albums, and I am even more offended than before that people I supposedly respect actually like this band and that I am not respected enough by them to think I would like this. The singer slurs like an American Black 47 and that is not a compliment. I will however give points for anything called “Stevie Nix” This music might work best in a bar in Astoria going out on a Thursday night with a friend named “Rory”, but please, to actually PAY for this? Dear Lord. You call this “impossibly catchy”? I call this impossible to stay awake listening to this.
That being said, I can appreciate why you like them. I totally get it. Also, I’m sure the live show is “fun” and when one of you buys me a ticket and if wrestling is not on (I am NOT set in my ways, goddammit!), I will go with an open mind to this gig, as long is it near my house, so I don’t waste too much time and travel “expense”. I don’t leave NYC, except for Dulli or John Cale. If you ask me to go to a Fridays to drink sangria or some queer cocktail before the gig (which is kind of a cool gimmick), the deal is off.
There is nothing I want more in this world than to be wrong about a band I don’t like. The Killers backfired. I am willing to be proven wrong and I am willing to be taken to the live show. I will gladly apologize on this very blog should I enjoy the band. The challenge is out, and the challenge was always there.
Now, I felt Lurch’s entry got entirely way too personal and I, being someone who never makes things too personal, or takes things too personally, I will now use this forum to retaliate against the false claims:
If I were opposed to “new things”, Lurch would be working at Lee Hi Truck Stop down in Lexington Va, serving Stan Kruger his breakfast every morning, Danny Hamill wouldn’t have a passport (or at least never would have seen Duran Duran), Evan would never get to make jokes about my hair with famous comic book writers, The Kidd would be living with Bednar, and Paul would be MOGpac. Also, we’d be 300 lbs after eating Pluck U every Monday for 10 years straight. I would also not like women, Lucky Jeans, Kasabian, Vincent Gallo, Mexican Food, and text messaging. I am also a sneaker whore. I am not opposed to new things, I am opposed to crap. The Hold Steady is crap.
In fact, I am so new that babies are old. For the record, I am not middle aged, unless I plan to die young, which is certainly an option (especially to sell records). It worked for the aggression with Mark, why not give Brandt the same benefit with Hypefactor?
The biggest disappointment in this entire “ordeal” is that “a friend’ would spend all this time writing about yours truly when he should be writing about how much he appreciates that, in the early 90’s, your hero dragged him out of the obscurity that is TGIFridays and brought him straight to the top. Yes, what I brought him to the top of isn’t quite clear and if his life is better for it is totally debatable, but that’s semantics. He would be Jim Hess’ house boy or something, that’s no secret, and he would probably know nothing about Asian cinema, comic books, good food (that’s kind of a lie, but I gotta say something) professional wrestling, industrial music, Vincent Gallo, The Stewart Manor Pansies, and at least 73 other awesome things associated with me. I’d go further if my nephew didn’t look up to the guy. Anyhow, the only thing this fucker has EVER done for me was sneak me an mp3 of the Ani Difranco/Jackie Chan duet. Yes, I am indebted, but come on. At least Evan gives me comics!
But honestly, Lurch, without me, the following photo would not be funny to you:
Checkmate.
So in closing, I ask you this question, and when I say “you”, you know whom I am asking: When you say “Danny”, do you mean “Earth 1 Danny” or “Earth 2 Danny”, cause the difference is ginormous and might require medical help.
I would never admit to Lurch in person that I am pleased he is finally writing on that godforsaken blog again and that I am thoroughly entertained. Because without it, how would I get to write such “clever” and “entertaining” entries like this?
Check his shit hot blog at:
http://ridetheliger.blogspot.com/
And for the record, he hasn’t banned Anus Mcanus. Just saying.
F
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